Avoid the red tape
Paddy Lewis
“OH hello, my name is X and I’m co-ordinating the Rugby World Cup in your region. Can you tell me what your club is organising for the Rugby World Cup?”
“Oh yeah, sure. At this very moment I’m erecting a huge American Express sign on my front lawn. It says ‘AMEX loves Rugby World Cup supporters’. AMEX is going to give the club $5,000. Good eh?”
“Oh,” she said. “Oh. Oh. Oh. You’re not allowed to do that. The club would become liable from a fine of up to $150,000 under section 16(4) of the Act.”
“ Ah yes,” I said, “it would be liable, but luckily because the sign is outside the five kilometer clean zone transport routes, we’re sweet. Five kilometres and 200 metres actually.”
She made a noise which suspiciously sounded like a tongue being bitten through and asked; “Are you doing anything else at your club?”
“Well, now you mention it, given that you told us we couldn’t do anything that mentioned the Rugby World Cup, we’ve just planned to hold theme night for tourists from certain countries.”
“You’re not mentioning the Rugby World Cup?”
“No. Just having the good old Argentinean barbeque night, the English warm beer and cold pie night, and the French wine and cheese night.”
“You’re not screening the games?
“Bloody oath we are.”
“Under the Rugby World Cup 2011 (Empowerment) Act 2010, there is a $3,000 fee for the rights to screen the games to anyone who is not a member of the rugby club in which it is being screened. Clubs can show the games to members without paying the fee, but if someone brings a guest the club must pay.” She sounded quite pleased with herself.
“Well,” I said, luckily we’ve amended the constitution to say that anyone who buys a drink over the bar automatically becomes a club member.”
I’m sure at this point she must have dropped something on her foot, because the phone was muffled but I was sure I could hear swearing.
“The Ministry of Economic Development will have people watching you closely,” she said when she came back on the line.
“I know,” I said. “We’re so fortunate that they’re all members of the club. They had a great time down here last night.”
“How can they be members of your club?”
“Well, they bought a drink over the bar.”
“GAAAAAAAAH!” she yelled, and hung up.
I suspect the powers that be will be watching us closely now, enforcement officers paid off or not. Luckily, we have “Mad” Bryan McDouglas on our ‘International Event We’re Not Allowed To Mention’ committee. Mad Bryan was the inventor of the ingenious ‘shut-in’, popular when pubs had 6pm closing.
Over the years he’s refined his technique to the point where we can have 400 people going absolutely nuts over a rugby game, and at the first sign of police action (he has a system of informants along all routes to the club) he just calls in a bomb scare to the airport. Problem solved.
The enforcement officers are a wee bit more difficult to deal with, but we figure we can get around them finding drunk, abusive, rugby-watching drongoes on the premises by just saying it’s an Australian theme night.
I’ll keep you posted.
“Oh yeah, sure. At this very moment I’m erecting a huge American Express sign on my front lawn. It says ‘AMEX loves Rugby World Cup supporters’. AMEX is going to give the club $5,000. Good eh?”
“Oh,” she said. “Oh. Oh. Oh. You’re not allowed to do that. The club would become liable from a fine of up to $150,000 under section 16(4) of the Act.”
“ Ah yes,” I said, “it would be liable, but luckily because the sign is outside the five kilometer clean zone transport routes, we’re sweet. Five kilometres and 200 metres actually.”
She made a noise which suspiciously sounded like a tongue being bitten through and asked; “Are you doing anything else at your club?”
“Well, now you mention it, given that you told us we couldn’t do anything that mentioned the Rugby World Cup, we’ve just planned to hold theme night for tourists from certain countries.”
“You’re not mentioning the Rugby World Cup?”
“No. Just having the good old Argentinean barbeque night, the English warm beer and cold pie night, and the French wine and cheese night.”
“You’re not screening the games?
“Bloody oath we are.”
“Under the Rugby World Cup 2011 (Empowerment) Act 2010, there is a $3,000 fee for the rights to screen the games to anyone who is not a member of the rugby club in which it is being screened. Clubs can show the games to members without paying the fee, but if someone brings a guest the club must pay.” She sounded quite pleased with herself.
“Well,” I said, luckily we’ve amended the constitution to say that anyone who buys a drink over the bar automatically becomes a club member.”
I’m sure at this point she must have dropped something on her foot, because the phone was muffled but I was sure I could hear swearing.
“The Ministry of Economic Development will have people watching you closely,” she said when she came back on the line.
“I know,” I said. “We’re so fortunate that they’re all members of the club. They had a great time down here last night.”
“How can they be members of your club?”
“Well, they bought a drink over the bar.”
“GAAAAAAAAH!” she yelled, and hung up.
I suspect the powers that be will be watching us closely now, enforcement officers paid off or not. Luckily, we have “Mad” Bryan McDouglas on our ‘International Event We’re Not Allowed To Mention’ committee. Mad Bryan was the inventor of the ingenious ‘shut-in’, popular when pubs had 6pm closing.
Over the years he’s refined his technique to the point where we can have 400 people going absolutely nuts over a rugby game, and at the first sign of police action (he has a system of informants along all routes to the club) he just calls in a bomb scare to the airport. Problem solved.
The enforcement officers are a wee bit more difficult to deal with, but we figure we can get around them finding drunk, abusive, rugby-watching drongoes on the premises by just saying it’s an Australian theme night.
I’ll keep you posted.
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