25 April 2014

Sporting priorities

Paddy Lewis

23/11/2011 11:09:00 a.m.


Sport Talk
INTO the final week of the election campaign and what have we heard about sport and recreation?
Green prescriptions, cutting the school day so sport can be added, participation levels and blah-di-blah blah blah.
I suppose that when we’re in a state of flux depending on whether Europe falls over or not, sport and recreation is reasonably low on the list of policy priorities for the main parties.  Here at Capital Times, we believe in assisting the political process, and so with the help of a large dose of parody and a healthy distaste for politics, here are some of the policies I believe some of the parties would put forward if they had the time.
GREENS:  Give sporting groups rewards for becoming more environmentally sustainable and cutting their greenhouse gas emissions.  For instance, there is a precedent in America that teams do not need to leave the country to be world champions – take baseball for example.  The All Blacks could be world champions every year!  We can also tie in our sustainable population policy with our plan to tax alcohol out of existence and therefore stop all the unprotected drunken monkey sex that occurs after playing sport and drinking until 4am on Saturday nights.  So we hear.
NATIONAL: Bid for any major international event that gets Murray McCully out of the country and stops him from interfering in everyone else’s portfolios.  Build a fitter and stronger population by building SKY remotes into all TVs so fatties have to actually get up to change the channel.  Give some money to yachting.  Do something with a carrot and stick.  What was the question?
LABOUR: Um, do we need a policy given we’re about to be wiped out?  Ah, something to do with fairness….no, no, scratch that – we got in trouble last time we told people to stop taking scores in kid’s sports….um, how about building relationships and lifting participation?  And we’ll throw $13 billion at it over five years starting in 2092.  Or the 22nd century.  Whatever.  Just do it.  Brighter future through borrowing.  We think.
NZ FIRST: All those lazy fat kids will get off their sorry arses and help the elderly one day a week in our “Push The Elderly Around In A Wheelchair Day”.  Fresh air, exercise, and no bloody moaning.  We’ll also give billions to horse racing, as we have scientific proof from the Winston Peters Research Institute that people jump up and down a lot as the horses approach the finishing line.  At a 10 race meeting, that’s a lot of jumping exercise, plus all the walking to and from the tote.  And all those bloody Asians can teach young kids how to play golf or else.
UNITED FUTURE:  Trout fishing and long walks in nature.  Competitive trout breeding programmes in schools.  No mixed-sex sports at school.  Make possum shooting a high-performance sport – just don’t shoot the one on my head.
MANA PARTY: Boxing compulsory for low decile schools so they are ready to punch capitalists in the face when they can reach that high.  Encourage throwing games so that come the revolution we have young people with good arms ready to biff rocks and Molotov cocktails at “The Man”.
ACT PARTY: Sport and recreation?  Chess.  That’s a good one.  And debating.  And making dole bludgers do 20 press ups and 20 star jumps before they’re even allowed into a WINZ office.  Privatization improves productivity.  Can we privatize sport?
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