Terminally stupid
Paddy Lewis
“IT’S Eat A Bulldog Day,” he said excitedly down the phone. “What do you think?”
“I’ll need your credit card details first,” I said. So what you’re saying is that you’ll have a promotion involving eating something traditionally English to show you support whatever team is playing against England?”
“No,” he said. “It’s Eat A Bulldog Day. People can choose and kill a bulldog – or we can kill it for them – and then our team of chefs will prepare it, they can eat it, upload a photo of them doing so to a special website, and show their support for the All Blacks! What do you….”
I cut him off. The credit card had processed and with a full switchboard of calls I had no need to waste any further time on that one.
After last week’s debacle involving Teledumb and the ‘abstain for the All Blacks’ campaign, I realized there was a gap in the market.
In essence, advertising creatives obviously have no idea what rugby is about, let alone what supporting the All Blacks is about. In the interests of helping them keep their jobs, I set up an 0900 number, where for $500 (credit card only) I can quickly tell them whether their idea is good or bad from a rugby fan’s perspective. I cleared $35,000 on the first day of operation, and vetoed every single one of the 70 ideas.
There was the “almost but not quite” option of having National Nude Day to support the All Blacks, the “whoa!” option of a major beer company inviting everyone to support the All Blacks by inserting one of their bottles up an opposing supporter’s bottom, and the “I’m calling the police” option of “Kiwi Zombie Fans for the All Blacks” put forward by a major special effects cosmetic company. It might have had slight merit had the proposal not involved biting opposing fans and drinking their blood.
One of the calls was from Saatchi & Saatchi who, left with four million black rubber finger rings, were unsure what to do with them.
“Imagine the goodwill,” I said, “if you donated them to sheep farmers for docking.”
“Eh? What’s docking?”
I explained the bit about tails and rings and stuff, but after I started on about the testicles and how properly to put the ring on, it sounded like the phone was dropped and then I heard a thud. Someone in the background started screaming “Sebastian! Sebastian!” so I hung up, after their credit card had processed.
I had the “buy a fridge from a Chinese manufacturer to support the All Blacks”, “wear your black undies on the outside to support the All Blacks”, and the slightly better “buy a ****ing ticket off me on trademe and support the All Blacks”.
In the end though, when it came down to it, all the whole exercise illustrated was a) advertising and marketing people are really gullible and will give their credit card details to anyone when they are desperate, and b) they’ve never set foot on a footy field in their lives.
Still, my business partner and I have stumbled on to a new niche. He’s busy presenting all the major corporates with rugby sponsorship ideas, backed up by (ahem) ‘research’. They now ring me straight away to see if it’s a good idea, I charge them $500 and tell them it’s rubbish. Gotta love taking advantage of the terminally stupid – maybe that could be our new national sport…oh, hang on
“I’ll need your credit card details first,” I said. So what you’re saying is that you’ll have a promotion involving eating something traditionally English to show you support whatever team is playing against England?”
“No,” he said. “It’s Eat A Bulldog Day. People can choose and kill a bulldog – or we can kill it for them – and then our team of chefs will prepare it, they can eat it, upload a photo of them doing so to a special website, and show their support for the All Blacks! What do you….”
I cut him off. The credit card had processed and with a full switchboard of calls I had no need to waste any further time on that one.
After last week’s debacle involving Teledumb and the ‘abstain for the All Blacks’ campaign, I realized there was a gap in the market.
In essence, advertising creatives obviously have no idea what rugby is about, let alone what supporting the All Blacks is about. In the interests of helping them keep their jobs, I set up an 0900 number, where for $500 (credit card only) I can quickly tell them whether their idea is good or bad from a rugby fan’s perspective. I cleared $35,000 on the first day of operation, and vetoed every single one of the 70 ideas.
There was the “almost but not quite” option of having National Nude Day to support the All Blacks, the “whoa!” option of a major beer company inviting everyone to support the All Blacks by inserting one of their bottles up an opposing supporter’s bottom, and the “I’m calling the police” option of “Kiwi Zombie Fans for the All Blacks” put forward by a major special effects cosmetic company. It might have had slight merit had the proposal not involved biting opposing fans and drinking their blood.
One of the calls was from Saatchi & Saatchi who, left with four million black rubber finger rings, were unsure what to do with them.
“Imagine the goodwill,” I said, “if you donated them to sheep farmers for docking.”
“Eh? What’s docking?”
I explained the bit about tails and rings and stuff, but after I started on about the testicles and how properly to put the ring on, it sounded like the phone was dropped and then I heard a thud. Someone in the background started screaming “Sebastian! Sebastian!” so I hung up, after their credit card had processed.
I had the “buy a fridge from a Chinese manufacturer to support the All Blacks”, “wear your black undies on the outside to support the All Blacks”, and the slightly better “buy a ****ing ticket off me on trademe and support the All Blacks”.
In the end though, when it came down to it, all the whole exercise illustrated was a) advertising and marketing people are really gullible and will give their credit card details to anyone when they are desperate, and b) they’ve never set foot on a footy field in their lives.
Still, my business partner and I have stumbled on to a new niche. He’s busy presenting all the major corporates with rugby sponsorship ideas, backed up by (ahem) ‘research’. They now ring me straight away to see if it’s a good idea, I charge them $500 and tell them it’s rubbish. Gotta love taking advantage of the terminally stupid – maybe that could be our new national sport…oh, hang on
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