Camp All Blacks
Paddy Lewis18/11/2009 11:15:00 a.m.
“I love doing normal things - movies, shopping, going out with friends, writing, reading, taking hot bubble baths - that’s a big one for relaxation. I also love to go to art and history museums.”
“(I) also love fashion so it’s fantastic to be here in Milan for the best shopping in the world.”
“Christina Aguilera said one of these quotes. Dan Carter said the other,” said the kiwi farmer in wales. “I’m revoking his Man Card.”
“Hang on,” I said. “He’s just probably playing up to the Italian media…”
“How do you know he didn’t say the first one?” exploded the KFIW, a proud former member of the Upper Hutt College and Old Boys-University front row club, who then launched into a tirade which included the following as I held the phone at a safe distance from my ear…
“Rugby is becoming a game dominated by non drinking gym monkey meat heads who can’t string a sentence together…my farming neighbour (in Wales)…well his team are full of fanta-drinking personality-bypass wasters that when they don’t get the big contract will be back on the dole…what’s happened…we need more of them to stop worrying about their bonuses and get out on the track and get smashing people…”
He eventually hung up, mentioning something about having to go and shoot something out on the farm.
“He’s right, you know,” said my wife, who couldn’t help but hear the tirade on the other end of the phone. “Have a look at some of the All Blacks’ player diaries – Carter says ‘I know there’s a special adidas Y3 designer store in Tokyo; I googled it so I can pop down there on my afternoon off. Hopefully the sizes will be alright…’ then Cory Jane said ‘Everyone has to come up with ideas for a dress up competition’ – he and his lot decided on the Jackson Five. I can’t decide if the All Blacks are serious or a camp version of Americas Next Top Model,” she huffed.
“I mean, compare that to Richie McCaw’s last player diary. There was nothing about shopping, and all about smashing the Springboks. They haven’t let him write one since that in 2006. Probably don’t think he appeals to their demographic who are clearly boys who spend too much time at the hairdressers and drive WRXs,” she said before rolling over and going to sleep.
That night I had a dream. It was 1970, and Jazz Muller was being interviewed about what he had planned for his South African tour:
“Probably go and shoot a few things. Have a barbeque or two. Do you have any decent lawnmower shops here? Mine’s poked from last time I trimmed the hedge with it.”
All this current shopping and metrosexual bullshit I blame squarely on Anton Oliver. Oliver took pseudo-intellectualism to a higher level in the All Blacks, but unfortunately not everyone who wears the black jersey is interested in poetry, saving Central Otago from Meridian Energy, and being painted nude. The current group, lacking a landscape to save or artist to paint them in the nuddy, take the easy route to public affection – shopping, cooking, and hanging out on reality shows. One can only wonder what Richie McCaw makes of it all.
I, like the KFIW, am concerned that the next news story about All Blacks behaving badly might go along the lines of the old joke:
Did you hear about the three All Blacks who attacked a man in Willis St? Two held him down, the other one did his hair.
It’s getting that bad.
“(I) also love fashion so it’s fantastic to be here in Milan for the best shopping in the world.”
“Christina Aguilera said one of these quotes. Dan Carter said the other,” said the kiwi farmer in wales. “I’m revoking his Man Card.”
“Hang on,” I said. “He’s just probably playing up to the Italian media…”
“How do you know he didn’t say the first one?” exploded the KFIW, a proud former member of the Upper Hutt College and Old Boys-University front row club, who then launched into a tirade which included the following as I held the phone at a safe distance from my ear…
“Rugby is becoming a game dominated by non drinking gym monkey meat heads who can’t string a sentence together…my farming neighbour (in Wales)…well his team are full of fanta-drinking personality-bypass wasters that when they don’t get the big contract will be back on the dole…what’s happened…we need more of them to stop worrying about their bonuses and get out on the track and get smashing people…”
He eventually hung up, mentioning something about having to go and shoot something out on the farm.
“He’s right, you know,” said my wife, who couldn’t help but hear the tirade on the other end of the phone. “Have a look at some of the All Blacks’ player diaries – Carter says ‘I know there’s a special adidas Y3 designer store in Tokyo; I googled it so I can pop down there on my afternoon off. Hopefully the sizes will be alright…’ then Cory Jane said ‘Everyone has to come up with ideas for a dress up competition’ – he and his lot decided on the Jackson Five. I can’t decide if the All Blacks are serious or a camp version of Americas Next Top Model,” she huffed.
“I mean, compare that to Richie McCaw’s last player diary. There was nothing about shopping, and all about smashing the Springboks. They haven’t let him write one since that in 2006. Probably don’t think he appeals to their demographic who are clearly boys who spend too much time at the hairdressers and drive WRXs,” she said before rolling over and going to sleep.
That night I had a dream. It was 1970, and Jazz Muller was being interviewed about what he had planned for his South African tour:
“Probably go and shoot a few things. Have a barbeque or two. Do you have any decent lawnmower shops here? Mine’s poked from last time I trimmed the hedge with it.”
All this current shopping and metrosexual bullshit I blame squarely on Anton Oliver. Oliver took pseudo-intellectualism to a higher level in the All Blacks, but unfortunately not everyone who wears the black jersey is interested in poetry, saving Central Otago from Meridian Energy, and being painted nude. The current group, lacking a landscape to save or artist to paint them in the nuddy, take the easy route to public affection – shopping, cooking, and hanging out on reality shows. One can only wonder what Richie McCaw makes of it all.
I, like the KFIW, am concerned that the next news story about All Blacks behaving badly might go along the lines of the old joke:
Did you hear about the three All Blacks who attacked a man in Willis St? Two held him down, the other one did his hair.
It’s getting that bad.
