I hate meetings
Paddy Lewis27/01/2010 12:02:00 p.m.
I desperately wanted to write a rude word at the beginning of this column.
Despite my former journalism colleagues deciding years ago my epitaph would be “I Can’t Imagine Life Without Stress”, it got to me last week.
I hate meetings. Meetings are for people who don’t do anything. It gives them a feeling of achievement. They can sit there, looking smug, and say “I think we should do X”.
Never mind that the answer is to do Y, or perhaps do a bottle of square gin. They feel they have achieved something. Unfortunately their answer should always be suffixed with “…and I think [insert some poor bastards’ name here] should do it…”
I have spent over 20 years in sports management and marketing watching the people who do 9/10ths of sweet bugger all take the credit while the “doers” keep on trucking until they burn out.
The difference is that the former actually come to believe they are driving force behind a sports team, club, or national organisation.
They can be roughly categorised as thus:
THE “I’M MUCH TALLER THAN I LOOK” PERSON: This person is the one who sits at meetings and namedrops. “I’ll ring Mr. Big Tycoon tomorrow and get him to give us some money.”
Everyone is generally impressed and relieved until a) the “He hasn’t got back to me” starts to wear thin, or b) someone else in the room knows Mr Big Tycoon and rings him only to find out the namedropper hasn’t called at all, or worse, isn’t even in Mr Big Tycoon’s sphere of influence.
THE “DEAD-KEEN UNTIL IT COMES TIME TO DO ANYTHING” PERSON: These people tend to pop up at annual general meetings of sports clubs. The president will stand up and say “We need people on our committee/to deal with the building maintenance/ make cups of tea after the game” etc. The Dead-Keen will jump up and volunteer their services and probably those of the person next to them as well.
They will bend the president’s ear after the meeting about the “great plans” they have. When called on to act on their commitment, one usually finds their grandmother has died. Some Dead-Keens have had up to 34 grandmothers die.
THE “CUP IS HALF EMPTY” PERSON: Usually someone who has been forced into a role against their will. Plays the pessimist card on everything and generally gets away with it as their experience/ contacts/ muscle is desperately needed.
THE MACHIAVELLI: Outwardly moving in the same direction as the rest of the organisation, but behind the scenes undermines at every opportunity, usually by denigration or using their networks to get their way and/or stop things dead in their tracks. Can usually be stopped with either a silver bullet, stake through the heart, or another opposing Machiavelli.
THE “I’M GETTING A ROUND TO IT” PERSON: Promises the earth, delivers dirt. This person can sometimes be genuinely keen, but either incapable or overloaded. More often, they are just a lazy bastard. Best dealt with by making a circular bit of card with the letters ‘TO IT’ in bold. When they say they’re getting around to it, you can present them with a round “to it” and ask them to get on with the job.
There are others, but unfortunately I’ve got to ring Sir John Anderson, my grandmother died, it’s bloody raining, I have a stake to pull out of my chest, and a round package has just arrived in the post. I’ll get back to you later.
Despite my former journalism colleagues deciding years ago my epitaph would be “I Can’t Imagine Life Without Stress”, it got to me last week.
I hate meetings. Meetings are for people who don’t do anything. It gives them a feeling of achievement. They can sit there, looking smug, and say “I think we should do X”.
Never mind that the answer is to do Y, or perhaps do a bottle of square gin. They feel they have achieved something. Unfortunately their answer should always be suffixed with “…and I think [insert some poor bastards’ name here] should do it…”
I have spent over 20 years in sports management and marketing watching the people who do 9/10ths of sweet bugger all take the credit while the “doers” keep on trucking until they burn out.
The difference is that the former actually come to believe they are driving force behind a sports team, club, or national organisation.
They can be roughly categorised as thus:
THE “I’M MUCH TALLER THAN I LOOK” PERSON: This person is the one who sits at meetings and namedrops. “I’ll ring Mr. Big Tycoon tomorrow and get him to give us some money.”
Everyone is generally impressed and relieved until a) the “He hasn’t got back to me” starts to wear thin, or b) someone else in the room knows Mr Big Tycoon and rings him only to find out the namedropper hasn’t called at all, or worse, isn’t even in Mr Big Tycoon’s sphere of influence.
THE “DEAD-KEEN UNTIL IT COMES TIME TO DO ANYTHING” PERSON: These people tend to pop up at annual general meetings of sports clubs. The president will stand up and say “We need people on our committee/to deal with the building maintenance/ make cups of tea after the game” etc. The Dead-Keen will jump up and volunteer their services and probably those of the person next to them as well.
They will bend the president’s ear after the meeting about the “great plans” they have. When called on to act on their commitment, one usually finds their grandmother has died. Some Dead-Keens have had up to 34 grandmothers die.
THE “CUP IS HALF EMPTY” PERSON: Usually someone who has been forced into a role against their will. Plays the pessimist card on everything and generally gets away with it as their experience/ contacts/ muscle is desperately needed.
THE MACHIAVELLI: Outwardly moving in the same direction as the rest of the organisation, but behind the scenes undermines at every opportunity, usually by denigration or using their networks to get their way and/or stop things dead in their tracks. Can usually be stopped with either a silver bullet, stake through the heart, or another opposing Machiavelli.
THE “I’M GETTING A ROUND TO IT” PERSON: Promises the earth, delivers dirt. This person can sometimes be genuinely keen, but either incapable or overloaded. More often, they are just a lazy bastard. Best dealt with by making a circular bit of card with the letters ‘TO IT’ in bold. When they say they’re getting around to it, you can present them with a round “to it” and ask them to get on with the job.
There are others, but unfortunately I’ve got to ring Sir John Anderson, my grandmother died, it’s bloody raining, I have a stake to pull out of my chest, and a round package has just arrived in the post. I’ll get back to you later.
