I should note that I stole the following, holus-bolus, from an eminent English newspaper. Mainly because I couldn’t put it better myself.

The England Scoregasm. Where to begin with this wildly uncalled-for sex aid? Perhaps with the blurb, which informs us: “It’s the remote control love egg that shows you’re a true fan.” Do go on. “The remote control works from up to 10m away,” we learn, “so hand the controller to your partner and let them surprise you when England score!” And really, what could be more erotic than sitting earplugged and out of sight of a telly, your sexual satisfaction dependent on an Algerian own goal? Very little, apparently. “Go 45 minutes each way with the Scoregasm Love Egg,” the manufacturers promise, “and you’ll feel like you’ve won the Cup. Just watch out for that studs-up tackle from behind!”

Yes, it’s the FIFA World Cup, and the merchandising is going crazy.  From perfumes smelling of, er, football, to um, love eggs, anything that can be branded with football is getting the treatment.
We, down here at the bottom of the world, have all this to look forward to next year, when the Rugby World Cup™ merchandise battalions roll into a town near you.
Will there be the Richie McCaw bobblehead doll for the dashboards of all those taxis carrying the billions of tourists set to visit?  Or the Eau de Daniel Carter, a heady mix of sweat, hair product, sports water, and mud?
Perhaps a love egg might go down well in New Zealand.  Or not.  Given our lack of success post-1987, perhaps a commemorative flaming torch or branded pitchfork could sell well.
Anyhow, the Auckland City Council released its “Supply of Rugby World Cup 2011 Fan Zone and festival requirements” Expression of Interest document late last Friday.
It’s pretty simple.  You just have to “have the capability to provide the goods and services required in Appendix 1” which is “event services and infrastructure for Fan Zones, festival sites and other key activity areas.”
So far, so good, so simple.
Then you get into the other 22 pages.
You should have “identified staff to take on environmental champion responsibilities”.  In fact, environmental and ethical considerations make up 16 of the 22 pages in this document.  As well as supplying transformers, tables, marquees, lights and everything, you should “demonstrate full product Life Cycle Analysis (LCA) to ISO: 14040 standard”.
Gee, and here I was thinking it was just supplying stuff.  You should also be “a member of the Sustainable Business Network (SBN) or similar environmental association”, “a member of the New Zealand Business Council for Sustainable Development (NZBCSD)”, have “an EnviroMark certification”, be “accountable for environmental performance in its published annual report (if applicable) or produces a Sustainability Report to the Global Reporting Initiative (GRI) standards”, and “(m)aximise on-site energy efficient micro-generation technologies.”
You should also not operate a sweat shop or exploit poor people.  I’m serious.
“Can demonstrate identified labour practice risks from its supply chain (where organisation is sourcing goods or materials from non-OECD countries, independent audit reports for manufacturing facilities including human rights have been sourced and are available)”.
The bit that finally made me realize they already have someone in mind for the job was this: “Can clearly demonstrate and provide evidence of corporate ethical philanthropy in the Auckland region in the last financial year.”
We may not win the Rugby World Cup, but by God, at least we’ll have been ethically and environmentally responsible in hosting it.  I’m sending the Auckland City Council a love egg.  Sounds like they need it.