WHILE it might appear the All Blacks have got their collective mojo together for the Rugby World Cup (although like a certain Lower Hutt barrister, I’m still planning on dragging out the rosary beads come next year), there are disturbing developments elsewhere.
Secret papers found in a briefcase on Auckland’s waterfront along with a pie and a copy of Playboy show that the Auckland Regional Council’s $27 million plan for retaining the old cargo sheds in fact allows $200,000 for some paint, another $50,000 for a few TVs, $100,000 for a bar, and the rest of the money was to buy Paul the Octopus from Oberhausen’s Sea Life Aquarium in Germany.
After his success at predicting the winners in the knock out rounds of the football World Cup, Paul the Octopus has been in huge demand worldwide.
An anonymous source from the ARC said councilors had realised that Paul the Octopus could “make the hard decisions” and “wasn’t into playing favourites”.
“There are a lot of Rugby World Cup decisions to be made.  Paul is best placed to do this for us and the good people of Auckland as he has no vested interests, is decisive and direct, and is relatively cheap to feed.”
A spokesman for the Oberhausen Sea Life Aquarium said the aquarium had been surprised at the offer.
“We would have lent him to the people of Auckland until the next Football World Cup, but when a man turned up with a cheque for 14 million euro, we thought ‘scheisse!’ and banked it quick smart.”
The ARC representative said the 14 million euro figure had been decided at a council meeting.
“We just had a bit of a round table discussion, put some numbers in a hat, and pulled one out.  Getting a psychic octopus for that price is a bargain…isn’t it?”
Paul the Octopus is now the subject of a tug of war between the council and the Government.
“For that amount of ratepayers’ money, we expect Paul to be used as a national asset”, a Government spokesman said.  “For example, we have some tough decisions to make, such as whether or not to lift the Official Cash Rate, whether or not to invade Fiji, and raising the drinking age.  Paul should be doing all that on behalf of the nation.”
Unverified sources have told Capital Times that Paul is a key part of the All Blacks’ Tri-Nations campaign.
“I can confirm that Paul the Octopus will be helping with the selections for the second Test against the Springboks.  While the performance last Saturday was outstanding, you want to leave no stone unturned to make sure you’ve got these things right,” an NZRFU spokesman said.
A test run on Sunday, when Paul adjucated on Springbok lock Bakkies Botha’s nine-week ban for headbutting, had proved successful.
“The little bugger almost went for no ban, but we gave the tank a bit of a kick when the Springboks weren’t looking and it shot him down the other end to nine, where he held on for dear life, farting black ink everywhere.”
SPARC has also looked into leasing Paul from the ARC come grant decisions time.
“It beats flipping a coin.”
Mani, the World Cup-predicting parakeet from Singapore, is understood to be at the centre of a bidding war by other New Zealand local authorities.
“Some of our councillors are afraid of the octopus,” a Wellington city councillor said.  “A parakeet helping us in our decision making process is much more amenable. You can’t cuddle an octopus. Can you?”