IN the same day that one fella was unbanned for flopping out his, um, old fella, another fella covered in what hopefully was chocolate ended up in the news.
David File received a 10 year ban from silly old curmudgeonly Bowls NZ for firing the salami around after his team did badly.  He left it out after a trip to the loo to tell his team they were “playing like dicks”.
None of his team were offended, apparently, but the Gisborne East Coast Bowls Judicial Committee gave him a 10 year ban anyway.
According to reports. No-one had made a complaint or come forward to provide evidence, but the hearsay was enough for a 10 year temporary ban.
Thanks to some helpful press coverage illustrating the silliness of that, it was overturned. File is now free to flop the old fella out whenever he likes.
In the other case, it may be a wee bit more difficult.
As the friend of a friend of a cousin of mine once said, “If you get caught stray shagging, you better run or have an account at the local jewellers.”
David Smail’s wife Sheree is likely to be improving the economic outcome of several Hamilton jewellers after pictures of her husband with a 27 year old Japanese woman hit the online pages last week.
While she is standing by her man (and without wanting to raise the ire of feminists, why wouldn’t she when he turns in roughly $1 million a year), one can only imagine the thoughts she is having.
File raised the profile of bowls with his diddle, and now Smail, a man most people outside golf wouldn’t know much about, even though he is our highest-ranked player in the world (84th), is doing the same for golf.
I suppose it makes a change from Michael Campbell missing the cut, or Tiger Wood’s diddle problems, but it’s a salutary lesson to all of us who possess a diddle.
Be careful with it.
You can be the best in your field (or in your country), but as soon as Mr Weenis gets a chance, you’re in deep trouble.
We’ve had Jerry Collins’ diddle causing front page furors (peeing on Lancaster Park before a Test, making babies in the UK), Robin Brooke and the word “sex” or “grope” in the same story, anything involving women and the NRL…
The message from all of this is that if you are using the old fella as a prop to make a point (a la David File) it’s OK. OK-ish.
If you’re using it for anything else other than the number one use, then be prepared to rightfully end up as the tabloid fodder for thousands. I mean, what was David Smail thinking? Chocolate (I hope) smeared on him and then letting a photo be taken? Amateur. Oops, I mean what was he doing there anyway?
Still, it could all be worse. A Swedish ice hockey player, Jan Huokko, “inadvertently” had a video of his sexploits end up on the internet. Before his next game, opposing fans littered the ice with large sex toys and unfurled banners with slogans such as “Bend Over B****”.
File will be breathing easier after last week. Smail may be thanking his lucky stars he doesn’t play golf in Sweden.