Ah Christmas, that time of year when we all either eat or drink too much (or combine both for a cracking headache on Boxing Day), break out the backyard cricket sets or beach volleyball nets, and generally end up either heading back to the BBQ or in A&E after a friendly game of speed petanque goes horribly wrong…
Having being placed on short-term contract administering Santa’s wish lists this year, I am pleased to report that the sporting fraternity think they are all on the ‘nice’ list for 2010 and have gone nuts asking for presents for others in a spirit of love and compassion (or maybe I’ve got that arse about face…).
For example, SEPP BLATTER has asked Santa to send the English Football Association some polonium-210. I thought it sounded really nice and expensive until one of the elves told me it was about 250,000 times more powerful than cyanide. I was just about to reply to his letter when I got another one saying not to bother, the nice men at the Russian Football Federation had found some left over from the Litivenko incident. Ah, bless ‘em. Sharing in the spirit of Christmas.
DANIEL VETTORI wrote and asked for three top-order batsmen, two all-rounders, and a bowler who tops out at 185km/h. The head elf, when I asked him how we meet those requests, shook his head and put it in the box labeled “Five Year Olds Who Ask For Ferraris Etc”. “Send them a three foot wide cricket bat. And think of it this way. All those people who don’t get what they want can console themselves with the fact that at least they’re not in the New Zealand cricket team.”
Then there was a group one from the PHOENIX which was about three feet long and appeared to be written hastily on their playbook. Or at least that’s what it looked like, although every page just had “Play It Forward, Play It Long, Score ****ing Goals”. Unfortunately Santa can’t do cash, Brazilian World Cup strikers (the European clubs apparently ask for them in May, and they don’t expect to get them for free), or A-League titles without a little self-help.
The ALL BLACKS one got stuffed in the ‘Ferraris” box for the same self-help reason. “Every freaking four years we get one of those,” said the head elf. “Every four years Santa gives it to them on a platter before Christmas, and the buggers lose it. File it.”
“Hmmm,” said the head elf. “Nothing from the NZ BREAKERS this year. Normally they ask for points, or friendly referees. Maybe they are getting everything they want this year.”
“Hang on,” I said. “There is a letter here from Kirk Penney asking for an NBA contract.”
“Ferrari it,” said the head elf. “Send him a LeBron James Miami Heat jersey.”
One came from the WELLINGTON CITY COUNCIL asking for good weather during winter so more than one week of outdoor sport could be undertaken. “That goes in the ‘forward to God’ box,” said the head elf. “Write back discreetly and get them to ask for all-weather playing fields. We might be able to do that.”
NETBALL NZ wrote a very pointed letter about not getting what they wanted. “Sheesh,” the head elf said. “We dredge up two South Africans for them and they moan. We give them the World Champs. Moan moan moan. Partridge in a pear tree this year.”
Ah, Only eight shopping days ‘til Christmas! Or if you’re a bloke - only seven and a half days ‘til you start your Christmas shopping. Good luck!