EVEN if you’ve never heard of Harville Hendrix, you’ll be familiar with elements of Imago Relationship Therapy, the brand of counselling founded by Hendrix and wife Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1981, and practiced by more than 2000 therapists around the world. Imago created tools like ‘mirroring’ to help build a safe space where couples can then talk through their issues. ‘Mirroring’ is a marriage counsellor technique often referred to humorously in film and television.

 “I don’t  understand why you didn’t take out the rubbish when you got home.”

 “What I’m hearing you say is that you don’t understand why I didn’t take out the rubbish when you got home.”
 
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”
 
“That makes sense because when you got home the rubbish was still in the kitchen.”

 “Yes it was.”

 “I imagine that makes you feel ignored and frustrated.”

“Yes, it does.”

(*Applause)

Hendrix, referred to both as “Oprah’s favourite therapist” and “the marriage whisperer”, has spent 35 years as a therapist, public speaker and workshop leader, and published several books including New York Times best sellers Getting the love you want and Keeping the love you find, and is now in New Zealand for a series of public lectures and workshops.
“[Imago] focuses on building trust in a relationship by teaching powerful, effective, common-sense communication skills which can very quickly create a feeling of safety. Many couples immediately experience an opportunity to connect more deeply with their partners, helping to appreciate them more and revive hope in their relationship,” says Hendrix.
The psychology behind Imago therapy is complex, but Hendrix says there are a few indicators that, to him, say a couple are headed for divorce.
“A relationship marked by contempt, negativity, criticism, a lack of ability to look at oneself and take responsibility for our part in the difficulty,” he says.
Hendrix believes now is a fitting time to be in New Zealand.
“With what has happened in Christchurch, we are called back to recognising that relationships are our most important, most fundamental need and resource.  We are reminded that our expression of care and appreciation for those we love is so much more important than the issues that often separate and concern us – parenting, sexual issues, housework, finances and so on.”
Hendrix asks for an end to all negative relationship patterns - a big ask, but where the first steps aren’t difficult.
“Ending negativity asks us to calm our anxiety and see our partner as a friend, someone who wants the best for us even if we can’t necessarily recognise it in the present moment. One way of beginning to do this is to look for things that our partner is doing that we appreciate and to tell them.”
Harville Hendrix 2011 NZ Tour, Public lecture: March 2, Couples workshop: March 11-13.