I don’t know what all the fuss is about the mother who gave her 8-year old beauty pageant wannabe daughter botox.
I mean, it’s all about winning, isn’t it?  At least that’s what my good friend Dr. Gunter tells me.  You do whatever it takes to win.
Take my son’s under-7 rugby team, for example.  As Dr. Gunter, a highly educated former adviser to the East German Olympic committee says, “Ze authorities do not drug test ze under-7s.  And zese raspberry flavoured steroid lollipops are completely harmless and taste great!”
They’ve worked wonders, although there are a few parents complaining about some increased anger issues at home (pah – what little kiddie doesn’t chase their parents with a knife at some stage in their formative years?)
I have to admit though, little Celeste does look a bit silly with a moustache and her deep voice is raising eyebrows…but hey – it’s all about winning.  And they’ll have plenty of time to grow out of it.
Dr. Gunter has also been assisting my teen athletes with their off-season preparation.  Or as he calls it, Preparation X.
“I first came across this in 2004, when it was being used in the racing industry – it was called ‘blue magic’ and increases lung function by up to 10%,” he said.
“Isn’t that illegal?” asked one of the athletes.
“Don’t be so stupid,” said the good doctor, turning to me and whispering “Zey test for zis by swabbing ze horse’s arse.  I zink if zat were to happen here, ze children could claim it was a breach of zere human rights.  And remember,” he said in a louder voice, “it’s all about WINNING!”
Yes, it is all about winning.  That’s why 11 percent of the 30 million kids in the USA who play sport admit to having tried steroids.  How can 3.3 million kids be wrong?
Let’s face it, it’s a dog eat dog world out there, and if you want to be the next big thing, then whether it’s botox or the odd horse analgesic, it’s got to be done.
It does save the ever-present hassle of praying that your child ‘might’ make it.  It assuages the mind-numbing hours spent watching them train or play with your fingers crossed that they will have the right physical attributes for their chosen sport.
You can just get the required necessities out of a bottle and save yourself all that hassle.
The kids are bound to thank you for it.  I bet they’d all be grateful for the extra free time they’ll have instead of having to train really hard to make it.  And that third nipple or yellowing skin will certainly make them more distinctive in their chosen field of endeavour.
As the botoxed beauty queen Britney Campbell’s mother said “It’s a tough world in the pageant world, I’m telling you.”  Indeed.  So it is in the sporting world too.
God knows the effort you put in with needles and drugs today could be the difference between playing for the All Blacks and working at McDonalds.
So go for it parents – teach your children that the old saying “there is no substitute for hard work” is just puritan bollocks, and start sprinkling that human growth hormone on their weetbix.
After all, as Ms. Campbell says “everyone else is doing it.”  How can you argue against such brilliant reasoned logic?